The dance world has
never been my first choice since the beginning. That would be my first
utterance to a lot of people that asked me why I chose dance as my career
choice. I started in the sports world where the athletic events such as 100
meters and 200 meters were my favourite running events. Every time I was at the
front, I felt as if I was like Husain Bolt, yet that was all temporary because
I realized that in order to become like him I need to have credibility, the
body built and the natural talent. I don’t have all those criteria. Fulfilling
your parents’ wishes is the main thing because they want the best for their
children’s future. When I made my decision to come out from the sports school
and venture into another field, my mom asked me what other field can you do? My
answer was very simple. Let time decide. After several months of thinking, I
was attracted to an activity that was probably not attractive to the other male
teenagers out there which is dance. How they move in line with the music has captured
my heart to venture into the field of dance. Hence, my life as a dancer begins.
I began with the
Malay traditional dance which is called Zapin. Zapin is a people traditional
dance which is very popular amongst the local community. Just say Zapin,
everybody knows < from the little child till the adult age level >, they
know what Malay Johor Zapin dance is. I got involved in this field quietly
without my parents’ knowledge. No parents would want to see their children be
called “softie” amongst their friends and relatives…Dancing the Zapin dance
made me feel happy and I enjoyed myself very much when dancing it especially
when meeting a lot of new people regardless man, woman, transvestite and
others. After several months of joining this field, my mom who has passed away,
began to feel suspicious of my behavior of often coming home late, sweaty, bad
body smell, dirty feet and so on so forth. She started following me when I went
out of the house as early as 8 at night, and finally she could sense the activity
that I was doing. The moment I got home, she pulled me to my room and caned my
body saying that such activity does not give any benefit to life. In between my
sobbing tears I answered, “Give me a chance to prove to you that I can succeed
and make you proud” and she answered back “there is no such thing!!!!!!”...for
a while I did not attend my dancing classes to avoid being caned by my mom, my
friends started asking why I did not come for practice…I only answered “want to
rest for a while”. Several weeks later, when the situation was becoming stable,
I began to go out of the house again to attend the dance classes without my mom
knowing about it. I participated in various competitions and went to places all
over.
My desire to dance
peaked at around the age of 17 and therefore I was trying to search for other
places that I can expand my hidden talent. Therefore, I went to meet up with a
leader named Hamidah from Yayasan Warisan Johor. She is a firm and fierce
person. She consistently wants perfection in every movement. Yet, it became a
question in my mind “what is perfection”? There is not even one human on this
earth that has perfection because we are not the Prophet and not God. My desire
and passion to ask Puan Hamidah such question finally made me ask her and she
answered “perfection naturally does not exist, but make yourself close to
perfection so that you can walk in line with perfection”.
For years I danced
the Zapin traditional dance and next moved on to other dances such as Asyik,
Layang Mas, Inang, Joget and so on. My heart is always wanting more of the
dance, flailing like as if not satisfied with what there was physically. I was
famous for my very rebellious attitude in school, easily rebutting all the
teachers’ argument and questioning every action that is being taught to me. One
of the music teachers in my school asked me “Are you going to dance forever?
And are you already prepared to accept the difficulty of life as a dancer?” I
answered if there is difficulty then there is easiness, and nothing on this
earth is difficult if we work hard. The teacher that I meant is Cikgu Azhar.
Without realizing,
my mom actually knew I was still dancing. As usual, I came back home riding the
motorbike ex5 which was very popular amongst the teenagers at that time. Upon
reaching home, I opened the gate and put in my motorbike to the parking spot
for the bike. Before I opened the door, I saw a big package beside the door of
my house, I opened it and turned out that it was all my clothes in there. I
knocked on the house door whilst softly calling out my mom…”Mama…Mama…open the
door…Adik is home…”loudly she answered “You get out of this house and don’t
ever come back if you feel that dance can support your life”. Which child is
not sad when being driven out of the house by his own mom. I kept knocking on
the door and begged her not to act like that but I was being ignored. At last I
decided to sleep outside of the house. The next day I tried calling out for my
dad and it worked. He opened the door and asked me to get in the house quickly
so that my mom wouldn’t realize that. I decided to take a break from dance for
a few weeks so as to cool down the situation. As usual my activities at home,
watch TV, clean the house, helping Dad and so on. Suddenly I received a call
from my teacher and he said that there is a university that focusses on the
field of arts. I got very excited and asked where it was. He said it was in
Kuala Lumpur and it is called National Arts Academy whereby it is now named as
ASWARA. I tried searching on the Internet and sent my application there. A few
weeks later I was called for an interview with the ASWARA lecturer named Hajijah Yaakob. Finally I was
accepted, yet not knowing what I was supposed to do, I was afraid to tell my
mom, no money if I were to run away…at last I braced myself with full courage,
again I voiced out my desire to my mom…again I was scolded and chased out of
the house…
I was adamant to
continue this struggle and keep being determined to prove that I can do the
best. With a heavy heart, I asked the blessings of both my parents before
leaving and clearly my mom did not give her blessing…as opposed to my dad in
which he realised my passion to continue my journey in this field. Quietly, he
gave me RM100 as the starting of my life as a dancer. Therefore, the journey of
my life as a dancer in ASWARA has begun.
ASWARA is the one
and only institution that focusses arts in Malaysia. Excited stepping my feet
there. My journey in ASWARA is like a newborn life armed with the RM100 in my
pocket. One class after another I attended. Contemporary, ballet, Malay
traditional, Indian, Chinese as well as Sabah and Sarawak dances. All these
kind of dances are dances that need to be mastered by each and every Diploma
dance student in ASWARA. Opportunities after another appeared in front of my
eyes, yet I often rejected them as I wanted to study first. Lastly, there was
an opportunity that I was completely excited about which was SYTYCD Malaysia
Season 2. I was not a totally caliber student in ASWARA. Stubborn, liked to
skip classes, liked to fight and liked to do my own business. With that bad
attitude, I was prohibited into entering the SYTYCD competition. Yet, I was
still stubborn and continued to remain in the competition. At last, I succeeded
in placing myself in the Top 20. In the competition, I needed the spectators to
vote, yet I was thinking who would want to vote for me? Then I decided to call
my Mom and Dad as well as all of my relatives to come and watch the competition
live. I wasn’t confident if my mom would turn up but I was certainly sure that
my relatives, my sister and my dad would come.
The event started
so grandly, shining glimmering stage lights, loud cheers and screams of the
audience made me nervous mixed with excitement. As I stepped onto the stage,
something magical happened, I saw a woman in her 40’s standing while holding a
banner” FAI”, curly haired wearing black top with black pants. That was my late
Mom, Maskiah Jahari. Tears dropped onto the ground before I started my dance
routine. That was the first time my mom watched me perform as a dancer. As soon
as the show was over I wasn’t allowed to go out to see the audience but I was
stubborn and just ran out to look for my mom. Fast as lightning my eye caught
the sight of my mom’s curly hair and I immediately ran to her and hugged her
without feeling any shyness amongst the crowd. Crying tears dropped again and
this time on my beloved mom’s shoulder. The words that my mom uttered to me
“Mama proud of you…” Sad but that’s the reality.
I continued my life
as a dancer and a student in ASWARA, running and keep running to forge my name
in the arts of dance arena in my country. I love contemporary dance and am
starting to master it carefully under Joseph Gonzales Guidance and others lecturers
in ASWARA.. Joseph Gonzales is such a wonderful human being , he is my friend, mentor,
teacher. He is the one who always helped pushed me to the limits until I became
who I am now. He always reminded me and kept saying “ Fairul!!! Dance to
express not to impress!!!”.. Arghhhh!!! I really miss that terrible voice. Joseph,
Joseph, Joseph… he always said “Fairul!!! Do u hear what I am saying?!!!” and I
said yes I heard you sir and I still hearing you until now. Ballet would be the
cord for me to elevate my technic in this western dance. At long last, I ended
my studies in Ballet and Contemporary dance. The journey of my life as a dancer
in ASWARA is tremendously long and difficult for me to narrate the story and
perhaps it will take a very long time for me to write. For everything that I
have written here is briefly my life FAIRUL ZAHID as an artist.
2014 has been a
truly wonderful year when I have been accepted to pursue my studies in MFA
Choreography and Performance in New York University Tisch School of the Arts. Thank
you to YAYASAN SIME DARBY for believing in the talent that I have and willing
to sponsor my education here… As all other kinds of lives, life as a dancer too
has its ups and downs. But I realize the strong positive energy that I gained
and encountered in my life thus far has made me where I am today. And I thank
the Almighty for that gift sent to me.
I would like to thank you to all members, family, friends, and teachers who always be there for me whenever i need. Thank You Yayasan Sime darby especially Pn Yatela Zainal Abidin, Kak Muja, dan Kak Arifah and my special one :)... and also to my lovely MAMA and AYAH
Al-fatihah too My Mom.. Maskiah Jahari.. in memoir..
This is a brief streak of my writing…wait for the details in time to
come.
Au revoir for now J
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